


Do You Wish You Could Be More Like Me?

by bubblegumclouds



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Angel Louis Tomlinson, Angels, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Character Death, Drabble, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, therapist harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 07:43:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10940061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblegumclouds/pseuds/bubblegumclouds
Summary: Abused and anxious Louis meets therapist Harry only a handful of times however he makes his mark on him forever.(aka, a small fic thing I wrote to get an idea out of my head!)





	Do You Wish You Could Be More Like Me?

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Twitter- cutierobandrich  
> Tumblr- cutierobandrich

“So, Louis right?” Harry asked as the timid boy stumbled into the room, the ends of his vans pointing inwards when he stood. He was the type of person that tried to occupy as little space as possible in every setting. Louis’ eyes flickered around the walls, never staying or keeping focus for too long. The room was empty and Harry liked to keep it that way so he had any clients full attention. It was also distressing for some of his OCD clients as his wall art used to be on a slant. Harry gave Louis a minute to get used to the setting, knowing that for a 19 year old with extreme General Anxiety Disorder along with a few other, yet undiagnosed, issues; this was tough. He always started with the same sentence as he believed it was important to start on a positive note. Otherwise the tension becomes thicker.

“So, Louis. It’s a great thing you came here today. Is there anything you would like to talk about?” Harry asked, giving Louis the chance to talk about anything that was bothering him. Louis looked down at his hands, unable to make eye contact with Harry. His hands were intertwined together, his fingers flickering with nerves and his fidgeting more noticeable now attention was all on him.  
“I-I,” Louis took a big breath and tried again, “n-no.” It was almost a whisper but Harry heard it. He was very used to dealing with this.  
“Alright, that’s okay. How about we talk about something you like? What do you like to do?” Harry smiles slightly and brushes his long hair away from his face just as Louis looks up. He licks his lips before be talks.

“I-I like to play football.” Louis said with a shy smile. Harry could tell he has fond memories of the sport, unfortunately Harry was never one for sport.  
“That’s cool! Do you play a lot?” Harry said cheerily, making sure not to look down at his paper so the encounter was more personal.  
“I used to.” Louis’ face immediately fell into one of sadness and he lost that momentary passion and confidence. Harry leant back in the seat.  
“Is it okay if you tell me why you stopped?” Harry tried to steer him onto revealing something so Harry could grasp more of an idea of what was going on in his head. Instead of answering, Louis shook his head. The movement small and regretful.

“That’s okay, maybe you can tell me something nice about it instead?” Harry made sure to be kind and soft as Louis seemed to be closing off more and more by the second. All Harry got was another head shake and he could tell that Louis was lost. He had all these experiences and hurt bundled up but couldn’t express them through fear. It was almost like he feared letting anything slip in case of something happening.  
“I’m sorry, I-I can’t do this I need to go.” Louis rushed immediately before Harry could start his next question. He got up to leave, his posture quite scared and desperate.

“Louis, if you need some time out, that’s perfectly okay. We have a small room just over there where you can have a minute if you need.” Harry said and Louis shook his head, pulling on the door.  
“I-I need to get out, can you l-let me out please?” Louis had become teary and his breath had started to come out in audible pants. Harry knew that this was one to let go and he unlocked the door. Louis briskly walked straight out of the building and Harry was unsure if he was ever going to come back.

A week later, Harry was sat in his room going over his schedule when he noticed he had Louis next. He did his usual routine, having a calming minute of meditation to himself to cleanse him of any feelings from the previous session and clear his mind but he remembered that this could be a free session. He ran a hand through his hair and did up a loose button on his silk shirt, waiting to see if he’d come. About 5 minutes after the session was meant to have started, Harry noticed Louis at the door through the little glass window. He was clearly very hesitant as he seemed to be talking to himself and kept moving his hand to and away from the door. Harry waiting patiently and watched. Louis pushed open the door and immediately looked like he regretted it.

“Hello Louis, come in.” Harry said, getting up to lock the door behind Louis.  
“No.” Louis said as his body whipped round and his hand shot out before Harry could put the key in.  
“I-I’m sorry, please, um, don’t.” Louis said, his eyes wide and his palm clammy and heated on top of Harry’s.  
“Okay.” Harry smiled slightly, he wasn’t supposed to leave the door unlocked due to safety reasons but there was always a lenience with certain disorders. They sat down and Harry wondered if Louis was ready to divulge any information yet. He tested the waters first.

“How are you today, Louis?” Harry started, trying to watch Louis as intently as possible.  
“Bad, very bad.” Louis rushed without his usual stutter. He sounded and looked like he had been running, his breath uneven and his face flushed. His legs were bouncing and he was showing very ritualistic nervous behaviour, wiping his mouth a lot, clearing his throat. It was obvious to Harry that today was not a good day.

“Would you like to tell me why? Maybe I can help?” Harry said in a higher tone. He usually only used that voice on younger people however Louis looked like he could use some comforting.  
“S-Scared.” Louis whispered it almost like it was a secret, Harry started to wonder if it was an immediate situation.  
“Why are you scared Louis? You have nothing to fear, you’re in a very safe place here.” Harry stated, leaning forward so that he didn’t miss anything.  
“N-No, not safe, never safe.” Louis muttered before he started to shake his head. He was nearly bent over completely in the chair, his body twitching. Harry opened his mouth to speak but Louis interrupted.  
“Shouldn’t have said that, shouldn’t have said that, bad, I’ve been bad.” Louis said as if he was repeating somebody else’s words back to himself.

“Louis, are you in immediate danger? Can you talk to me?” Harry said softly, fearing a loud voice would scare him away.  
“I-I came here, to say I-I’m cancelling this session.” Louis said, stuttering as he tried to get through the sentence while a whirlwind spun around his head.  
“Louis, okay. Just take deep breaths and calm down. I really don’t think it’s wise to cancel this session.” Harry said as he tried to coax Louis away from whatever he was panicking about.  
“I-I have to.” Louis said as a few tears dripped down his face and he ran out of the room. Harry didn’t even have time to call him back before the only evidence left of him being there was the swinging door.

Harry took Louis off his list, filed a report about his safety concerns and thought that would be the end of it. It really wasn’t.

Harry was packing up to go home on a Friday evening about 4 weeks later when he heard a knock at his door. He was about to politely tell them to come back and schedule a time tomorrow when he saw Louis at the door knocking frantically.  
“Let me in, please, oh god.” Louis was banging on the door and constantly whipping his head back to check behind him. Harry opened the door and before he could even think about saying a word, Louis whipped past him and into the side room. Harry closed the door and walked over to the room.

“I’m not here okay, I’m not here.” Louis shouted angrily, making sure Harry got the message. Harry had only ever had one of these situations before so he luckily knew what to do. He stood back at his desk and carried on tidying up when sure enough, another figure knocked on the door. Harry answered it and put on a smile.  
“Hello, who are-“ Harry started but the guy cut him off quite rudely.  
“Where is he?” The guy asked loudly, pacing and looking around the room, even going behind Harry’s desk.  
“Excuse me sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” Harry said abruptly, holding the door open and keeping a stern face. The guy turned and Harry could now see him properly in the light. He looked quite a bit older than Louis as his face honed more wrinkles and darker circles lining his eyes. His eyebrow had a deep white scar through it, stopping any hair from covering it and his skin was slightly tanned.

“Where’s Louis, I know he’s here.” The guy said and Harry replied calmly.  
“I am not allowed to disclose any client information, you need to leave sir, I won’t ask again.” Harry had to be firm now, the guy pushed past Harry, slamming the doors behind him. The moment he left, Harry bounded towards the door.

“Lou, it’s okay. He’s gone.” Harry said, he was ready to tell Louis he needed to leave but he heard sniffling on the other side of the door.  
“Louis, are you okay? Do you need a minute.” Harry said clearly and kindly, he didn’t know what was going on but he could gauge an idea.  
“I-I’m scared.” Louis sobbed and Harry had learnt through years of training what to do however he still felt his heart break.  
“That’s okay Louis. How about you come out and talk about it?” Harry said and he leant down towards the noise he could hear.  
“I-I can’t, what if he comes back?” Louis stuttered, Harry could hear shuffling and he put his hand over the key in his pocket, prepared for if anything were to happen.  
“It’s alright Louis. He can’t do anything to you under this premises, you’re safe here.” Harry said and everything went quiet for a minute.

Just as Harry was about to ask something, the lock clicked and Louis was crouched on the floor. His body was physically shaking and his face was patchy and red. Harry bent down to him.  
“Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe here I promise. Come on.” Harry said as he waited to help Louis up and over to the chairs.  
“N-No, he’ll find me. H-He’ll find me.” Louis said as he crawled back in hurriedly and went to shut the door but before he could, Harry instinctively shoved his foot in the opening. This triggered a panicked reaction from Louis.  
“No, no, no Harry no he’ll find me. Let me go. NO. NO.” Louis was frantically pulling on the door as he shouted and sobbed.  
“Louis, Louis okay alright, let me come in, it’s okay.” Harry managed to crawl through the gap and close the door behind them.

Louis curled up in the ball in the corner, his eyes wide and flicking towards any little noise, paranoid that something would get him. Harry began to wonder if this was a drug episode.  
“Louis, can you talk to me? Tell me what’s happening?” Harry said as he placed a hand on Louis leg to try and stop him rocking back and forth.

“I-I thought I loved him Harry. We were s-so perfect and,” Louis looked away, biting his wobbling lip and choking out a few muffled sobs, “the first time he hit me he s-said it was a mistake, said I pushed him to do it.” Louis wiped his face with the ends of his sleeves. It, sadly, was what Harry had expected.

“It’s okay, you’re doing so well. Can you tell me about today?” Harry tried to understand how urgent he needed to be but he didn’t want to disregard what Louis was telling him.  
“H-He burned me. He stuck a boiling fork down my throat. H-He pulled my hair out a-and chained me to the bed for 2 days. I-I escaped just now a-and I have nowhere to go. I-I’m so scared.” Louis whispered the last part as he placed his face in between his knees and looked up at the room through his eyes poking over the top. This was by far the worst case he had ever dealt with and he hated the next question but it was crucial.

“Could you maybe show me what he did Louis?” Harry said, pushing Louis side up and down with his arm. Louis paused, looking Harry in the eye, before uncurling himself hesitantly. Harry grabbed his pocket flashlight slowly so that Louis could see what he was doing and Louis winced as he opened his mouth. Harry shone a light into his throat and sure enough, it was torn to pieces. The poor boy must be in absolute agony.

“Louis, we need to get you to a hospital, is that okay?” Harry said and Louis shook his head.  
“I-I don’t have the money.” Louis said and that was Harry’s fear. It was all too common.  
“Okay, alright. Well can I get you some water to try and clean it?” Harry said and Louis nodded, watching meticulously as Harry left.

He came back to Louis crying again and wished he’d tortured that evil man for doing this. He sat with Louis and handed him the water. Louis closed his eyes, physicking himself up for the pain. He’d felt it before, just as he was about to pass out as occasionally Dan would pour some water into his mouth but at that point Louis was just glad he was being kept alive. He took a sip and immediately lurched forward, letting out a scream as the water was spat out. His hand gripped his throat and he fell forward, his free hand stopping himself from falling face first. Harry fought back tears as he rubbed a hand across Louis back. Louis was just shouting pained noises over and over as he tried to grip onto the floor. His body was shaking and nearly collapsing.

“Louis, Louis okay, alright. Stay with me Lou.” Harry said as he leaned forward, helping Louis up. He could barely hold his own head up as he drooled and cried.  
“Kill me. Please. Nobody will know. Just leave me here and say you found me like this in the morning. Please. I’m begging you.” Louis pleaded hopelessly as he gripped onto Harry’s shirt with every bit of energy left in him.  
“Louis, no. It’s okay, you’ll be okay.” Harry reaffirmed and Louis shook his head.  
“I’m not going to make it Harry, j-just end it here please. It hurts so bad, it all hurts.” Louis sobbed as he started to collapse and fall to the floor. Harry held on to him, refusing to let him go.

“Hey no, Louis. You hold on okay?” Harry said as he fought with every ounce not to show any emotion.  
“Harry, I-I can’t.” Louis said as his body gave up on him, not even giving him the strength to do more than take shallow breaths. Harry placed his arms under Louis and held him like a baby. He decided that if there was any chance Louis could be saved, he deserved it. He called the ambulance, willing to pay anything for them to save him. He stared blankly at the wall, knowing he couldn’t look down to see whatever life was left drain out of Louis. Part of him wished he could give him what he wanted, a nice peaceful ride away. He let a few tears drop at the thought of how much pain Louis was in.  
The ambulance arrived 5 minutes later and Harry knew it was too late. He could feel Louis going cold and his heart had stopped. They tried to save him but there was no luck. He died in Harry’s arms at 8:49pm on a Wednesday night.

Harry was at the funeral, his colleagues all fought against his decision, telling him it was too personal. He didn’t listen. He cried when he was the only one there.  
He never went back to his job, or got another one. He never really left the house. If he did, it was to see Louis. People heard rumours about him and occasionally someone would pop in to check on him. He knew it was because they all expected to find him dead. He wished he was.

Louis watched as he sat by his own grave, knowing Harry would come by any minute. He did, same time, same place. He hoped it would work as he leant forward and placed a hand on Harry’s shoulder. He felt a light prickling sensation on his hand and Harry looked up.  
“LOUIS?” Harry shouted, rubbing his eyes to make sure his eyes weren’t deceiving him. There was no way this could be real. Louis was dead, but... if he was dead then how was he standing right in front of him.  
“Hello Harry.” Louis smiled. Harry leapt up and hugged him, squeezing him tight. He was tangible, he was there. A real physical person.  
“W-What’s? I-I...” Harry stuttered, unsure of how this was even possible.  
“I’m an angel, Harry.” Louis smiled and Harry covered his mouth and gasped. Of course everyone heard about angels but they were never seen. The myths had gone around and the sightings had been debunked but here Louis was with no other explanation.  
“Y-You’re an angel, of course you are. Such a special little angel.” Harry blabbed happily as he cried, placing his hands on the side of Louis' face.

“I wait for you to come every day and I listen to your stories for hours. I’m so proud of you Harry.” Louis said, cupping Harry’s face back. Harry was in awe but he knew this was going to be brief. He had a question he needed to know, it had been plaguing him since that day.  
“J-Just answer this question Lou, please. W-Were you in pain? Are you in pain? W-When you died.” Harry said as he gripped onto Louis, not wanting to let go. After every single second he spent wondering, punishing himself for not helping faster, he could finally know.

“I-It hurt, but I’m okay now. You did the right thing looking away, I could never have given you that image for the rest of your life.” Louis said as he gripped on to Harry’s hand. Harry couldn't believe how beautiful Louis looked, pictures Harry had found and kept did no justice.  
“L-Lou please. Let me be with you, I-I can’t stop thinking about you, about that day.” Harry said and Louis shook his head immediately, a smile still painted on his face.  
“There’s a place here reserved for you Harry, don’t worry. I want you to live your life, go and do some wonderful things and bring back some great stories for me okay?” Louis said and Harry nodded.  
“A-Anything for you.” Harry said as he leant into Louis touch.  
“I’ll always be here waiting.” Louis said and Harry smiled, watching him fade back out of existence. He wiped his eyes, finally free of all the pain.

Surely enough, 17 years later, they met again. Harry ran straight towards Louis, knocking him over with a hug.  
“H-Harry you’re not meant to be here what are you doing?” Louis said worriedly, he couldn't bear it if Harry had killed himself. He'd tried to hard to keep an eye on him.  
“Motorbike accident.” Harry said as he looked down, a shy smile at the end of his lips. Louis rolled his eyes and shook his head.  
“You’re such a reckless fool.” Louis laughed as he held Harry, so happy he could finally touch him properly.  
“I know. I just wanted to see you though.” Harry said as he relished Louis’ twinkling eyes. It had felt like forever since they last spoke and sometimes Harry even doubted that it had been real. Now he was here, he wondered why people ever bothered living.  
“Now kiss me you fool.” Louis giggled as he pulled them together, pressing their lips in a firm kiss. It had been all they'd ever wanted and more, the softness and love sent tingles reaching right up to their halos.  
“I want to sing you a song, I wrote it for you.” Harry said and Louis sat himself down, gazing up lovingly at Harry.

_“Hey angel,_  
_do you know the reasons why,_  
_we look up to the sky?...”_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Twitter- cutierobandrich  
> Tumblr- cutierobandrich


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